pissy rabbits

au revoir

2007-05-31T13:59:00.002-04:00

this is some spy vs spy BULLSHIT.

and with that...
we defect
to wordpress

pissyrabbits move to a new hutch?!?!

2007-05-30T11:58:00.001-04:00

well blogger has FINALLY pissed me off.
(yes KYLE i know....)
Gorm no longer has access to her old email account and as such no access to the admin part of PR
so she asked the blogger help center for a little...
er....
help.
they asked her a bunch of simple questions that she couldn't answer
like:

"when did you lose your first tooth?"
"who is the first person your mother did it with?"
"in which key does a black hole hum?"

and in drunken gormley style, she didn't know the answers.
so blogger told her to fuck off.
i sent an email and i'm guessing they are going to tell me to fuck off too

we have had no access to anything on this site.
not the headers
or changing the age old links that need to be updated
or all of the great renovation plans we had for the future of our beloved cranky rabbits
including some new sections dedicated to cheers and drinking to stupidity
(jesus. as if we dont drink enough already....Gorm, if we start drinking to stupidity we are fucked)
and a possible "disapproving pugs" area (they are FAR less approving of EVERYTHING than rabbits)
so
i think we are looking for new digs.

also no explaination needed...

2007-05-29T15:55:00.000-04:00

my phone shut itself off when i tried to open the one and only text message my mother has ever sent me.

no explaination necessary

2007-05-25T16:19:00.000-04:00

Disapproving Rabbits

i disapprove of everything
i know how they feel
maybe i should have been a rabbit
.....sigh

thanks kyle

mini beast

2007-05-17T14:58:00.000-04:00

olivia's 5th birthday was tuesday
she is the love of my life
since she was born we have had this way with each other that is something i never could have fathomed.
and every year she becomes more and more this creature i understand without having to think about it.
she knows her effect on people.
she engages grown-ups in ways that other grown-ups are incapable.
she has this confidence that matches her brilliance
and i am quite sure that she will be able to hold on to it despite everything that happens with little girls that makes them lose their light and their sense of their place in the world.

she asked if i would make her a mix
"like you made for mommy"
when i left her a few weeks ago, I left her with a copy of Homogenic .
She heard one song in the car and said,
"Aunt Jenny!!! Can you play that last song again. I like that song"
it was "All Is Full Of Love"
she is a little alien and i cant imagine life if she had never come to us
i will post the playlist of her mix when its done.
right now its a little heavy on AIR and Le Tigre

polar bear

2007-05-15T12:03:00.000-04:00

my need for movement is insatiable
everything is changing at this pace that i cant keep up with
blogs, for me, are something that belong to certain times and places.
and when i feel as if i am trapped and pacing around looking at the blank template
and cant write how (or what) i want
i feel the need to move.
but right now i have nowhere to go
so im going to do my best to divert this to something i can be happy with
for now

sobriety makes you lose friends

2007-05-09T12:43:00.000-04:00

"you are incredibly annoying when you don't drink and i'm going to stop being friends with you soon"
love-
gorm

i could have some new 'jewelry'

2007-05-04T19:39:00.000-04:00

Landry: so i am still OTW (on the wagon) and no one has died yet!
JBL: its still early.
Landry: and i'm going be around lots of dopes tonight...will you bail me out if i stay OTW but i kill someone?
JBL: hmmm...not sure i can be friends with a known felon
Landry: well at least i won't have to be "registered"
JBL: i dont know what you will do with them
Landry: chances are, if ive killed them, they are stupid. which means i wont be doing anything with them...thus no registration
JBL: you are dirty like the boys i dont know what you are capable of
Landry: hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
JBL: is it true?!?
Landry: maybe
JBL: dirty
Landry: have i EVER denied being dirty?
JBL: im just saying maybe you should fully embrace your dirty side
Landry: listen...this is JUST about killing people, it has nothing to do with my dirty side....at least not yet!!
JBL: well try not to kill anyone....
although you might like girl jail....
like a pajama party.

tomorrow...

2007-05-03T22:46:00.000-04:00

im going to write about music
not like bryce does
not like kyle does

but like i do when ive been on the wagon for 4 days and my head is clear
and i realize that i have been shoving it in my ears for months
to stop thinking
loading it in like a dump truck
making my brain binary and evenly weighted
one for you
and
one for you

and

waiting

for

the

scales

to

tip

prepare for the worst...

2007-04-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

its my M.O.
i always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
But what happens when you actually needed to prepare for the 'best'?

last summer i sent a letter

i received the return reply today.
I was NOT prepared for it.
i almost felt angry
because i wasnt prepared
because he was never actually 'supposed' to write back
I was never supposed to have to think about what was next
i never expected to have to figure out what to do with the ball that was now in my court.

I was surprised to see his handwriting.
it made me feel something in the family of giddy.
that went away pretty quickly.

i told everyone i knew
then i called alex.
if anyone could give me anything that i could hold
it was going to be her.

"you don't have to do anything"
thats all she had to say.
"the nice thing about this is that you dont owe each other anything at this point"

it would be nice to have this person who knows my history back.
but i dont even know what i would say?
i have had dozens of dreams where we run into eachother and everything is fine
and we stand right where we met up
and talk for hours
and its like nothing has passed between us
and i tell him about my genius neice
and i tell him about my wonderful life
and i tell him what happened with moufa
but i also tell him about B

however, neither of us is ready for all that
but i dont know what we actually ARE ready for.
so until i know
im keeping it to myself.

as seen on TV

2007-04-23T13:10:00.000-04:00

im trying to balance my happiness with my absolute disgust with how stupid people are.

the thing that makes me most sad about being gay is that i would not be able to have a baby that is half me and half the person i love most in the world.
there has been a surprising amount of research done on this.
and "making men redundant" might be the funniest and most ludicrous 3 words ever put together.

i can see it now.....straight woman all over the world saying
"i know!!!! instead of having sex to have babies....im going to go through all this scientific mess to have a baby!!!!!"

brilliant

i cant wait until we have no more need for men
even to open jars.

monster under the bed

2007-04-18T11:20:00.000-04:00

i was tearing up my apartment yesterday and ran across a bunch of things that I wasnt prepared for
and actually it was Breakfast that found one of them.

Under my bed is a small wooden box that has some of Moufa's things in it.
His collar and tags and 2 of his favorite toys.
Stuff i havent had the heart to get rid of

She pulled out his 'purple monster'
it is a rag of a thing
and he would carry it around by a tiny string that used to be the seam that held its head on.

watched her smell it for a long time
then she picked it up very carefully by what is left of its arm
and carried it to her blanket
she groomed it for about 20 minutes before she fell asleep on it.

he will be gone 3 years this summer

i think she misses that terror as much as i do

delayed response

2007-04-14T19:44:00.000-04:00

I found myself angry for the first time today.
i think its been coming for awhile

angry
for canceled vacations
for the purging of our 'virtual archive'

angry
for photos that make my heart break because of the passion contained in them
and for photos that are not mine that make me feel dismissed.

my anger surprises me and angers me more
because i have been so diligently searching and analyzing and tip-toeing
to make sure im not being reactionary in my new life
and in that work, and distraction and peace and happiness,
somewhere,
i skipped the part where i get to be angry.

nerds like beer too

2007-04-11T23:23:00.000-04:00

ok...
so, since the beer defense is thin
i will help

if the strange, nerdy robot programmer looks like this:

and can do this:

i'll take it

HAL (UPDATE!!!!!)

2007-04-11T18:41:00.000-04:00

YP: "if you want dorky links for your post, this is what i was doing with the other dorks here"

hmmm
girls who program robots

who knew i would think that was hot?
(besides Glenn)

HAL

2007-04-11T11:42:00.000-04:00

maybe the ~~nerdiest~~ strangest text message i have ever received came to me last night
it read,
in part,

"yes. I'm still at work. But its ok because I'm programming robots"

im not sure that i will ever get another one quite the same again.

war and peace

2007-04-10T00:28:00.000-04:00

in my previous life as a blogger, i did my fair share of writing about the state of the world.
or
at the very least,
i wrote about things also not related to being drunk with gormley.
but i cant read the news
and i cant bear to watch whats happening
and i feel like i havent had the energy to yell loud enough
so ive been hiding my head and pretending that we are not watching the world fall apart at the seams.
this last year has drained me more than i was able to fathom.
i am just now starting to recover from the constant banging of my head against a wall that was not going to change on my schedule.
tonight, i read some news
it was the first time in weeks
its going to take me a little while to catch up to anything unrelated to Anna Nicole-Smith
but i'll get there.
then im probably going to be pretty mad.
and?!?!?
please, if someone already made Dubya king while i wasnt paying attention, tell me so i dont have to read it in the style section of the Times.

blue

2007-04-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

the clouds were (fucking) ridiculously beautiful today
they looked like the ones that i drew when i was a kid.
the sky ending up being the color of the only blue crayon i had,
which would never have been the one i would have picked if i had all of the 64 crayolas.
but the "right colors" were broken or lost
so i made due with the colors i had.

and they ended up just as pretty.

but it is still been a good friday

2007-04-06T14:21:00.000-04:00

i was decidedly not doing the stations of the cross this morning.

the realities of the animal kingdom

2007-04-05T10:29:00.000-04:00

L: are you coming to dinner friday with the girl

JBL: i think i might
without the girl
....she's scared of you

L: she is NOT
why?
what did you tell her?

JBL: i said that you 2 were a handful
which is true
but that you would probably be nice to her

L: of course we would
...unless we hated her
or she had a "go-funny" eye

JBL: you'll smell the fear
how could you guys not attack like rabid dogs?

L: we are nice

JBL: when?
i would say when you're drunk
but that isn't the case

G: the trick is to pretend NOT to be a rabid dog
...lull the rabbit into a false sense of security

JBL: see this is why she won't meet you 2

L: listen....
truth be told, it is in our best interest that you have a gf

JBL: why is that?
you didn't like the last one
and couldn't wait for me to get rid of her

L: GORM didnt like her
and?
that one was fucking crazy
so if you can manage to meet a girl who isn't crazy
we will not bite her'

learning about superlatives

2007-04-04T03:07:00.000-04:00

L: well i watched Milo and Otis this week
about
43 times
Y: better than barney
or the fucking teletubbies
L: shes too big for teletubbies
but they have this group of homos called the wiggles
who teach children how to sing faggy songs
Y: ah, yes, i know the wiggles well
they are from australia i think
so faggy
L: big big homos
Y: doesn't one have a purse?
L: i think thats the teletubbies
im sure that one has a butt plug though
and who needs a purse
when you have a butt plug?
Y: butt plug is def > purse

poor poor beer

2007-03-30T12:58:00.000-04:00

i like driving with no shoes on
and the windows open
and the music blasting
i like drinking beer outside at the beach
but i dont like doing it without Gormley
i miss you girl....

i drink becuase i dont have children and my sister drinks because she does

2007-03-26T12:20:00.000-04:00

i fell asleep with the fat little feet of my nephew in my hands this morning.

i haven't been warmer happier or had my brain more non-static in a very long time.
(except for the anxiety dream that my sister rolled over on him)

I woke up to the sound of Lulu yelling
"Aunt Jenny!! Wake up! you have to take me to school"
it didn't occur to her nor did she care that i looked like a crack whore
(which i have been advised is NOT ok to say in front of children)

and even in the chaos of whatever it is that someone does in the morning to get 2 children ready to get them out the door and off to school, (and the pretty much constant wailing of Gus) i felt fine.
and i think it is important to note that Rayray, Jorge and I stayed up until the wee hours drinking and talking. one would think that would make me cranky after so few hours of sleep and so much Ketel (since that is what is what i assume is considered ""well" vodka in hell).
but i was fine.
i was happy to help olivia put her rockstar red converse on and cuff her pants high "like aunt jenny does"

and then took me to school, un-showered, with the morning after black make-up, smelling, im quite sure like i did YESTERDAY morning.
she was proud as could be and told her teacher,

"i have a very special person here bringing me to school....my aunt jenny!!!"

her teacher looked nervous and might be calling DYFS right now.

then we came and took a nap
i fell asleep with his fussy little foot in my hand
he hated it and kept kicking me
but i am bigger than he is

executive secretary

2007-03-22T10:54:00.000-04:00

RE: e-mails
today

G: Yes to a big cuddle fest in NYC, Im sure we can find enough champagne to keep us happy for at least one weekend.

L: we might have to order ahead......
the 4 of us can take down some champagne.
and?
i can be an over achiever if i am horizontal
like last time

G: I am going to have to keep all of my computers away from the styrofoam cups

L: by the time of 'Cuddlefest NYC 2007" I better not see another
styrofoam cup even on the OUTSIDE of your apt.

upon realizing that someone didn't get the e-mails i decided that i would try my secretarial skills

e-mail. L to Y: so G forgot to put the m in 'com' so you didnt get any of this blather.
i know you are a VERY busy woman but laughing is also important so im
sending you the readers digest condensed version of the mornings back
and forth that you should have been on (this has already passed being
'condensed' hasnt it?)
but im a good secretary. really.

e-mail from G 3 minutes after

G: except for actually providing an accurate condensed version... yes, GREAT SECRETARY.

people.

2007-03-20T18:26:00.000-04:00

Stop. For the love of god, stop. Stop wearing Ugg Boots. I'm done. And the pink ones? Need to be lit on fire. Girls will be SCREAMING up and down Broadway - having traveled in from NJ, only to have their prized, out-dated, ugly-ass boots melting to their sweatpants (which OF COURSE have something clever written on their asses) fashionably tucked into the white hot melted faux suede while their barbie hair extensions swing dangerously close to the flames.

Landry and I no longer say... "I bet you 5 dollars (insert bet)..." we say... "If you lose this bet, you have to wear Uggs for a WEEK.'

And not just 'regular' Uggs... but the fucking 'bedazzled' ones.

when things stopped spinning so fast

2007-03-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

i have nowhere to put new things.
i am rolling stuff around in my brain and have no place to put it in black and white that feels safe. I want to see it written so I can see if its right.
i'm surprising myself in ways i didn't think were possible.
at least not now.
and here i am tumbling stones around
trying to soften their edges
so they are shiny and round and just big enough to fit in the palm of my hand and give away to the people for whom they are meant.
thank you for the help
and the paint in my hair.
and the patience.

charts and graphs

2007-03-14T13:45:00.000-04:00

we figured out that Gormley and I have known each other 14 years this fall.
thats quite enough time for us to have so entwined our families and lives that we have had to create a chart.
the chart is a running and living history of all of our collective friends, lovers, ex husbands and S.O's.

but its just a tiny bit more complicated than that.
you see...one of my ex boyfriends (with whom I have been friends for almost 20 years) is definitely sleeping with an ex co worker of mine.
and one of Gormley's ex-S.O's is married to another of my best friends

see?
we needed a chart.
and recently the chart has had to have a MAJOR overhaul.
generally we do it on napkins
in bars
while drunk

now?
its going to have to be done in a more formulaic manner
im working on it in my spare time
and it will be posted.
check in
see if you are on it.

meeting the family

2007-02-27T09:22:00.000-05:00

i have a friend....
we wont name her but she might be a tiny bit smitten by a girl she went on a first date with.

Landry: uh oh
you got a feisty one
trouble

that one: you think?

Landry: she used the word 'rukus' when describing what you guys might do on your date.
seems like trouble to me.

that one: yes but 'nerd rukus' is different than 'landry rukus'
so definitely no on the movies?

Landry: i vote no to the movies
maybe you should bring her out with me and g

that one: on a second date?!?!?
hell NO

i'd rather poke my eyeballs out

2007-02-26T20:50:00.000-05:00

its been awhile.
there IS stuff going on.
most of it not fit for writing here
for both of us
we'll get back to you when we become civilized again
till then...we spend saturdays drinking champagne and not getting out of bed.
and sometimes inviting friends.
xoj

2007-02-16T16:07:00.000-05:00

There are 1000 thread count sheets on the other side of the pile of corpses. I start crawling over them. Now.

its almost president's day

2007-02-14T18:19:00.000-05:00

i was going to write something typically bitchy for VD
but as i am trying to avoid clichè i will just leave you with

this

thanks Foxy

file under "vintage"

2007-02-08T23:34:00.000-05:00

from wikipedia:

It is widely believed that the Church of Scientology was founded after a weekend-long Quaalude binge by its founders in the mid-1970's. In fact, one might theorize that part of the drug's placement on Schedule I was due to its role in the creation of this church.

and while that is incredibly exciting, this is the really gorgeous part:

Despite the fact that 'ludes are almost impossible to obtain in the United States, Scientology is still around. Were it not for methaqualone, the Church of Scientology would not exist today.

there are worse things than having a malformed personality....

2007-02-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

i hate everyone
if i was just a tiny bit dumber
i wouldnt be so hateful

there was this guy in the laundromat yesterday
(which in itself is hateful)
he had those big GIANT headphones on
and i was thinking
god
i hope that music sounds exquisite
because you look like an ASSHOLE

and at that moment i realized
that if i was JUST dumb enough to think he was cool with those headphones
i wouldnt have hated humanity so much at that moment

there are worse things than having a malformed face

2007-02-02T15:18:00.000-05:00

this is what happens when you go to the dentist to get 3 fillings replaced.

you are forced to drink beer from a straw.

the dentist, who happens to be a friend of mine assured me that i looked fine and that no one would even notice.
but what he didnt count into the equation was the drooling part.
the part where i had to clamp my mouth shut so hard that my jaw is now aching so drool wouldnt drip down my chin.
i walked in to gormleys pre boxed apartment and the first words out of her mouth were
"your face looks a little askew"

it seems that my 500 boyfriends that i found on the 10 block walk from the dentist to Gormleys house like that look
which i am lovingly now referring to as
the dirty elephant man style
I have now resorted to tucking a piece of tp inside the corner of my mouth to catch the errant drool.
and as the gap between the bottom of the straw and the bottom of my beer became more and more estranged I decided to go back to my old method.
drinking out of the bottle.
gormley disagreed with my solution

not on my suede chairs bitch. Lets try a little ingenuity
tip the bottle and keep the straw.

im doomed for the next 4 hours

start as you mean to go on..

2007-01-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

the first time i remember looking at a girl and thinking
"um..im not sure exactly whats going on here, but i really want to lick her head"
it was annabella lwin

i remember leaving the tv on in the living room in case the video came on. then i would run (generally falling over something–because im a clutz) to watch it. I would sometimes even shriek.

gay.

so
unbelieveably
homo

how no one ever came up to me at 9 and said:
"Jenny, for christmas, we decided to get you these Birkenstocks. Right now you wont understand, but someday it will all make sense to you", is really beyond my comprehension.
at 16, i picked this tall girl whose only resemblance to annabella lwin was brown hair.
it snowballed from there:
natalie merchant
bjork
michelle Rodriguez

and like my denial that i am picky about food...
when confronted with it,
i will absolutely deny
that i have a type.

welcome to the club

2007-01-29T13:45:00.000-05:00

YP: to be a good programmer i'm convinced one needs to be OCD and ADD
a little hard to manage but the results are awesome

Landry: i would accidentally create a cyber puma if i was left to try to figure out programming
jbl's FAVORITE story to tell about me, to anyone who will listen
is how i was hitting on this girl once
and i was advising her that 5/8 was NOT even half
and that she wasnt really italian...

YP: um

Landry: ...because she was only 5/8

YP: i just got really sad about you

...those kids...

2007-01-27T20:45:00.000-05:00

...are in such fucking trouble.

revisionist history

2007-01-26T12:33:00.000-05:00

Myspace is a box full of ex boyfriends for me
another one found me a few weeks ago
luckily its one i liked

K: wow if i remember you were never into long relationships
i remember thats why you dumped me

landry:i probably dumped you because i liked ~~anne beaver~~

uh

2007-01-26T10:10:00.000-05:00

i realized how well behaved i have been for the past few years
when i woke up fully clothed this morning
and as that little haze started to lift
(you know the one...)
i started to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of myself
i am not yet hungover because its only 10:12am
around 1...
when i stop being drunk...
i will pay for it

Did they kill that stingray by the way? or is it roaming the ocean floor?

2007-01-18T21:24:00.000-05:00

I still think Bindi should have her own show where she is followed around by Diane Sawyer (or maybe Barbara Walters) (or ooooo, Andersen Cooper and his porn-shot camera crew) and faces the stingray that killed her father.

Not to make the stingray feel all bad or anything about orphaning the poor girl... but to show him that a life of murder and crime doesn't get him anywhere. Sure, it might get Mr. Stingray on the news for awhile, but it doesn't get his kids any college tuition money, or stop his stingray wife from whoring around with the flounder. Bindi can help him get him back on a good path.

note to self

2007-01-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

someone asked me what this blog was about and what I came up with was this:
its about how NOT to be stupid.
I also realized that considering how much 'diagonal walking' that goes on, people must not be reading.
on that note:
bindi jumped on her first croc and I want some of whatever they have tranquilized her mother with.
'' sure bindi, my only daugter, I think its a perfectly bully idea that you should wrestle a 9ft crocodile. I'm sure that an 8 year old can handle that. Say, can you hand me that syringe?''

2007-01-14T10:25:00.000-05:00

Gormley: have to pack - motivated today - and we all know it wont last...
Landry: hahahahah - um - whats left? - is there anything?
Gormley: 3 plates and some bobby pins - fucker
Landry: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah -you better get to work then
Gormley: and my wedding dress
Landry: HAHAHAHA - cut it up and wrap the plates with it

muscle memory.

2007-01-11T00:14:00.000-05:00

In a week (or so) I will be divorced. In practice I have been for awhile. You can't stand up in court with someone and hear them say things are fucked beyond repair and think anything but alienated from that shared life. A few days ago I noticed myself turning the missing ring with my thumb. I guess I always did it. The finality of things must have triggered it again. Just for another week (or so). Once I realized myself doing it, and kept finding that absence on my finger... I noticed myself doing it more. Muscle memory. So now there is that attachment to the one little gesture. A tiny movement of my thumb that I am left with as I nearly let go of the rest.

2007-01-07T18:05:00.000-05:00

I'm ending our dry spell with a less-than-angry post, but it's early yet in the year, and 'Tigger' at Disney-world already hit a kid (posting later now that Landry has told me about 'furries')... so you'll all have to deal.

The last couple of months have been a funny haze. I'd like to assume it is the tail end of settling into my new life, but we all know that isn't likely to be true. I can say with certainty that the last couple of months have found me back to list-making, and a focus on what I want and need. No longer stumbling through the good luck and paths that fell before me when I wasn't trying, just hiding... I spent the last few hours packing my apartment to tackle moving next month. I miss a man who is too far away tonight who makes my family - and Landry - laugh in a way that comforts me and think of the future again. A future with all the fun rage and betrayal that makes me more interesting to talk to these days, but a future where I can ignore it too.

I watched fireworks on New Years Eve and didn't bat an eye. This portends well for my year.

Are Komodo dragons Christians?

2006-12-20T15:41:00.000-05:00

Okay. People. For fucks sake:

A.) It isn't a 'Christmas virgin birth' if in the next paragraph you discuss the science behind parthenogenesis.

B.) We all know anyone who can have sex with themselves and impregnate themselves would be excommunicated from the Catholic Church.

C.) Landry suggests that the eight baby Komodo dragons are all guaranteed to be born with the stigmata.

interior

2006-12-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

I too have been highly neglectful.
Sort of.

There are things I have been neglectful of this past year that I am tending to.
There are things that I have been paying far too much attention to in the year that I have been slowly, finger by finger, letting go of.
For the better.
I have always known that I think things through on my own and without much input from friends but until now I never realized just how quietly I process things.

thanks gormley for picking up my slack
and so incredibly beautifully

SUNDAY

2006-12-17T15:47:00.000-05:00

neglect.

2006-12-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

I've been neglecting the divorce cactus. I can't tell if I'm doing it on purpose or just distracted... but I just looked over at it. It's giving up. I'm torn between watering it or letting it go. These two tiny little fingers in dirt stripped of everything it had for the poor fucker. As I was looking at it this morning I was reminded of a short story I read a long time ago... someone was writing about a friend receiving a bit of moon dust somehow - friend of an astronaut, I don't know... And she ate it. I wanted for a second to eat the two spiny little fingers. It seemed like a fitting end for them.

You can take the girl out of NYC... but....

2006-12-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

I've just eaten overcooked pasta with questionable sauce and oddly herbed butter at the Marriott in ATL. It felt like McDonald's only with different ingredients. The bartender welcomed me back... and what I thought was a lame attempt to engage me in conversation between laughing at my book or sneering at the food was actually much more pathetic. He remembered me from my last trip here in October. My life is now a clever split of sad and perfect. Need to tip the scales.

today tried to kill me.

2006-12-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

The first words out of my mouth this morning? "I'm too tired to kick Monday's ass..." Landry believes (no doubt correctly) that it was my first mistake. Sorry we've been so out of touch.

2006-12-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

i havent been saying much about politics
and vitrol over politics is my specialty
so without saying too much about it
i will say this,
it feels ever so slightly (read sarcasm) like O.J. looking for the 'real' killer of Nicole and Ron.
OF COURSE there MUST be a mysterious person running around
why ELSE would cops fire so many rounds at a black man?

there is nothing in the world...

2006-12-01T00:22:00.001-05:00

...I would give for this. Thanks for everything, baby.

high fives...

2006-12-01T00:16:00.000-05:00

For my birthday? I got one of these. It was way smaller than I think we all expected... :). No four year old in her right mind would lust after that. Think 'sit and spins' instead.

Thanks C - for the flowers and the surprise birthday.

did revelations mention....

2006-11-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

hahahaha

haahahahahah

and ESPECIALLY:
haahahahahah

today is a good day.

have we met?

2006-11-29T19:02:00.000-05:00

Landry: Now here is a shocking piece of news....http://www.businessweek.com/ap/financialnews/D8LM782O0.htm
Landry's roommate:More newsworthy is your boobies all sprawled out on your myspace page!
I'm going to start putting vodka in your toothpaste so I can see some of that at home!

start as you mean to go on.

2006-11-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

Landry told me the other day that perhaps she was meant to teach me just one thing in this life.

During that particular conversation it was about being present. 'It is what it is'... she's even got my father saying that when we blow tires on the Garden State Parkway. It didn't sound strange coming out of his mouth since it is so familiar a phrase. Above? 'Start as you mean to go on'? That's what I'm trying to learn now.

That and how I can organize an 'accidental' explosion to flatten the squealing children in the schoolyard below me before I move out. Landry? A little help?

hiding.

2006-11-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

That word often has such fearful and ulterior motives behind it. But not this day. Not this last week. Not these past two weeks. I've been hiding and protecting. This funny, unexpected, rare little bit of what I remember to be myself. Brought out in a whirlwind of quiet dinners, trashed hotel rooms, flowers, notes, fried turkey, leaf raking, and whispering. Escaping from the world to fall into this. Hiding also just a bit from the world to keep this safe. Hiding from the weight of it until I was ready to bear it. Now? I'm in.

my friends are definitely better than yours

2006-11-21T10:17:00.000-05:00

Landry: I think she might be dumb as a box of hair
Amos: are you looking for brilliance or distraction?

gorgeous.

yeah, I do.

2006-11-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

Friday morning, little sleep, hotel breakfast table somewhere in Manhattan, discussing friendships...

Gormley: "I don't really like people, I just have Landry..."

M: "Yeah, but you have the HELL out of her."

pervy

2006-11-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

would you buy this for the child in your life?
um
so even if no one caught it at any stage before, when this photo was taken, didnt someone say
"uh...guys? maybe we should rethink the design?"

RE: yr complaints

2006-11-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

bitch bitch bitch....
were drunk.
we'll post tomorrow.

ruffies are the new tylenol pm

2006-11-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

the birthday party went off without a hitch (or a birthday floozy- though gormley and MD very nearly made the grade)
at some point i decided that getting wasted on your birthday is incredibly cliche so i announced to every person who asked me if I needed a drink that I was NOT going to be getting wasted this year and that I needed seltzer
my requests were met with eyerolls and grey goose.
i was home by 12.
old.
and for my first birthday party ever,
decidedly not wasted.
and i suppose if something isn't broken you shoudln't try to fix it.
because now i am sick.
all of the usual suspects were there and some some played my favorite songs on the jukebox for me.
thank you to everyone who came to wish me well and laugh at me for getting old.
i love you
no
really.

I'm buying you a vodka drink every year until we die.

2006-11-05T21:04:00.000-05:00

Happy slightly early birthday to my most treasured, clever, fiercely loyal, snarky, saucy, beautiful friend. I love you madly.

ahhh, and then there's my old friend Rage.

2006-11-05T11:54:00.000-05:00

This morning, after a few beers in honor of Landry's birthday last night, I woke early and decided for the second day in a row that I would drown a sack of kittens for a cup of coffee. Threw on my coat, jeans and a tank top that haven't been washed in a good number of weeks, and a pair of flip flops.

In my ongoing effort to get back to efficiency, I took my drycleaning down. Walking on Avenue A, feeling good about the chilly weather and sun, I peripherally noticed someone leaning in to leer as we passed each other.

This morning? I looked like a crack whore. A hot crack whore, but still... dirty clothes, hair and leftover makeup from last night (Landry what the eff do you use to get 'blacktrax' from MAC off? I was ready to try Windex) and do you know what the fucker said to me with a snarl?

ssssssss'sexy toes'sssssss.

I hadn't even had coffee yet. I could tell without looking at him that his wife and daughters are terrified of him. And I wanted for just a second to be at his dinner table tonight.

With a dull butter knife.

hmmm, a massage and meth?

2006-11-04T23:26:00.000-05:00

...from his burly non-bf-prostitute-no-doubt-waiter-I'm-not-gay-I'm-Christian-Non-BF?

priceless

Also, who doesn't love and fucking fear the phrase 'megachurch'?

not anger yet... but sauce....

2006-11-04T23:16:00.000-05:00

new haricut... Dawson has the saucy picks of Landry's bday (tonight)... we plan to wrestle them out of him tomorrow.

xo

enough already...

2006-11-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

things around here are getting far too serious.
i am calling a moratorium on the existential and sapppy shit.
you hear me woman?

wheres the anger?
Where is the spite?
where is the bitterness?

OH!!!
here is is.

can someone please tell me how i could be happier?
i thought i was going to have to vote Foley the man of my dreams
but now?
the meth snorting gay sex having evangelical minister is my hero.
S.W.A.K

overtime

2006-10-31T22:08:00.000-05:00

text message exchange
10/31/06 10:05pm

JW: You at the parade? Of course you are.

Landry: actually I'm not. I'm home.

JW: you are missing extreme examples of faggotry

Landry: You mean... I have the night off.

I'm struggling with the heavy armor now...

2006-10-31T20:29:00.000-05:00

A year of everything: of distrust (mostly in my own judgement - I hadn't even thought about trusting someone else until recently), of crying (my father has cleverly figured out when to just get me more coffee and not say a word), of drunken evenings (often) with Landry, of focus (on everything but myself), of control (of every thing around me that I possibly can), of restrictions (on my own path), of hurt (I still wince at remembering the rug being pulled out from under me and hitting the floor)...

And now, even though we approach winter? I'm wondering if there's a set of armor for summer. A lighter weight. I think I may not need as much. I want someone to tell me I'm going to be fine because I'm tired of saying it to myself. I want to be rescued for just a day to get some sleep - without the armor maybe. But I still have one eye out for the rug... which makes me sad. Hopeful though too... because now I'm looking out for it with only one eye... and I am easily distracted lately.

and it only cost me 3 dollars to park.

2006-10-31T11:15:00.000-05:00

My jeans smell like the ocean, and my feet are roughed up from walking in sand and snakeskin all day. The shoes I bought my first week or so back in NYC. The ones that could feed three starving children somewhere in the world. The ones that made me realize when I bought them that my life and my decisions were again and unexpectedly my own in some funny shallow way have had sand in them all day. I would have thrown them in the dark water for 10 more minutes of standing there.

Walking through the airport I was nervous in a way I haven't been since I don't know... and smiled like I meant it from the top of the escalator. I remembered to breathe.

I haven't slept in days between the travel, the stress, and now the little and fucking huge distractions of paths both possible and impossible... and I keep taking deep breaths.

Landry, ever my devilangel, sits on my shoulder whispering in my ear.

leaning into it.

2006-10-29T12:41:00.000-05:00

The wind we've had the last couple of days has whistled me to sleep each night. They've taken the edge off fitful dreams and drifting in and out. I think I remember storms from when I was younger. The bed in the corner had a window to the side and head of it... they were always open to let the cat in, and I slept in wind all Fall.

It's giving the pigeons a hard time. Countless have no doubt slammed into buildings given the shaky flight of a few I saw this morning over pizza. The analogy came too quickly and I felt tired of fighting wind myself.

race car driver

2006-10-26T23:05:00.000-04:00

i feel like im getting the 'gotta go's" with blogging again.
like im trying to run away from something.
it might just be relief from the exhaustion that i have been feeling for close to a year now.
my brain is allowing itself a vacation.

they say that when you have a near death experience, you see your
'life flash before your eyes'
and i read somewhere, a theory that says that its your brain trying to solve a problem.
opening up all of what it considers relevant file drawers of similar experiences to find a way out of the predicament that death is proposing.

thats how i have felt this whole year.

racing around the problem trying to find the correct angle from which to look at it.
the angle changed from day to day as new facets were added or removed.
what was a flat plane with no texture suddenly became mountainous. Leaving me sometimes spinning to catch up.

re-look at this.
does it look the same today as it did yesterday?
what, if anything has changed?
where do i stand in this picture?
am i standing in the frame at all?
what makes sense/ what doesnt?
what info do i NOT have?

my head was full at all times.
the train, in bed, walking the dog, out with friends.
it didnt stop processing information for one second
like a super computer

i even had to stop reading the news for awhile.
the days when my head was occupied with finding a way out
there was no room for it.
news and people inspire a great deal of rage in me
i didnt have any vacancy
and no energy for anger
so my news intake was inversely proportionate to the amount of clicking and whirring that was going on upstairs

so now the clicking has stopped for a bit
the whirring?
eh...
maybe not.

it seems to me that Gormley's been doing a fine fine job of carrying my ass here.

spinning.

2006-10-26T19:51:00.000-04:00

Tonight i am stressing about things before they happen and i can't figure out why. Landry talked me off my ledge with beer and promises of Tylenol PM. Stress and travel fatigue are wearing me out. Transition and a letter from the court in MA is most certainly contributing. I turn confidence and nerves on and off like a really fucked up toggle switch. I need more roots. A plan.

Find the edges first.

2006-10-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

This post will sound like its about him, but it isn't. It's about the pieces left. How they fit. All of this is about what I'm left with now. The pieces... some gorgeous, some painful... all in little tiny stacks I've been trying to sort this last year without realizing it.

My carefully built and graceful path all reduced to a bit of rubble a year ago and ignored by me as I spun through selling the condo, moving, job 1, job 2... falling into successes as Fate's small, last gift to me. A little break.

And now I see these wavering little stacks. 'Trust' and 'loyalty' stacked near - but not touching - the stack of 'hurt' and 'betrayal'... which stands in the shadow of the stack of puzzle pieces labeled 'family', 'friends', 'safety', and 'home'.

And now I'm left figuring out which pieces to throw out. There is shit I should keep. Puzzle pieces that are worth the scars it took to get them... and there is a small pile starting of shit to let fall off. Pitch down the hill. No space left for it.

And so I'm left piecing the bits left together in my head. Start with the straight edges of the puzzle first. Count on one hand the gifts this last year has given me and figure out the complex middle with colors and shapes that don't match up.

I see projects, paths, and plans all 3 dimensionally... but I hate puzzles that require math. Piece 1 fits where? how does 'trust' fit with 'unknown'? 'Spite' fit with 'family'? 'Friends' with a shaky 'strength'? How many pieces can I keep? I'm less worried about fitting things together than I once was... but I still worry I lost a piece under the fucking couch that I haven't bought yet.

2006-10-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

James Lipton’s (aka Bernard Pivot's) Ten Questions

2006-10-23T20:56:00.000-04:00

this is a total cop out for our 101st post.
however
This is my favorite part of Inside the Actors Studio.
the comments section would be a PERFECT place to answer.

1. What is your favorite word?
filthy

2. What is your least favorite word?
moist

3. What turns you on?
a girl with a good swagger

4. What turns you off?
the christian right

5. What is your favorite curse word?
twat

6. What sound or noise do you love?
the rain in the shaftway outside my bedroom

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
banging on walls

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
educator

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
math teacher

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"cocktail?"

Dog devours girl.

2006-10-22T10:05:00.000-04:00

Breakfast (pictured above) doesn't realize how large she is. She has however mastered a very clever (seemingly) plan to mask her brilliance (assumed) with the sort of dopey daft charm normally found in awkward-but-pretty teenage girls, or a really really stupid child.

She is breathtaking to watch run. She has as much gray hair as I do and easily a good 30 pounds on me. She does this funny thing where she leans into you... and I mean full-on 140 pounds of muscle and charm. She lets me pet her when shes sleeping (no mean feat), and never barks at the comings and goings of the house. Her bark, when Landry gets her to do it, is the sort of barrel-chested, sternum-shaking bark you would expect from her massive rib cage... and she often follows it up with a gruff 'harumph' just to let you know shes not finished being surly.

It made me sad for a long time that she didn't recognize me the way Moufa did. The way his eyes would light up when he recognized me in a crowd rounding the corner to meet him and Landry on a walk in Bklyn. The absolute glee was written on his face. Tonight? I think she just pretends not to recognize me. Because she ran at me like she meant it on our walk home. Just for a second.

mmmm, coffee.

2006-10-21T12:09:00.000-04:00

I slept until 11 today... I think the cool air and my tired head combined forces. Had I not heard squealing children and someone's circular saw... I was good for another hour or two. Fabulously unlike me and my normal 7:30 rising.

When I went to get coffee I passed by the schoolyard with the aforementioned squealing children, and watched with amusement as very tiny boys kicked soccer balls at very tiny shrieking girls who were lined up against the wall like a brothel. I thought... "oh you poor little boys, you have no idea how much they're going to kick your ass in a year or two once they're done with pink and glitter..."

...and then for the first time ever I thought it might be fun to have a little girl someday. I'm guessing it will pass since I don't actually like little girls.

"We didn't do anything dirty ourselves, you know."

2006-10-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

ugh.

I'm really sorry... but even if you get felt up by a priest as a 13 year old? It's still a little uncool to leer at 14 year old pretend employees.

In unrelated news. Landry and I are enjoying (still, at nearly 24 hours later) one of the most kickyourass hangovers I've had the pleasure of in awhile. whew.

an all time low high

2006-10-18T21:27:00.001-04:00

gormley drunk dialed work for a conference call last night.
she ordered her beer. i ordered a glass of wine (apparently its like the HOV lane of drinking because you need 2 people in order to be able to partake in the "wine by consumption" thingy they do at our favoirite spot– I quickly got on the horn to LL to hurry it up)
Gormley was forced to put the phone on mute, she says because she couldnt have her boss hearing my little gems to the bartender such as,

"yeah hes a really great guy. I would just never wear a bathing suit around him"

all this caution from someone who once drunk text messaged her...
uh....never mind.

GORMLEY-ADDED ADDENDUM
To be fair, it is important to note that I still used 'big girl words' like 'brand analysis', 'deliverables', and of course 'multi-phased approach' while still able to give the faux attractive bartender who had a crush on Landry the all knowing 'bitch, I need another drink now'-eye...

claws out.

2006-10-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

Landry and I untangled a bit of a core difference - of which there are few - between us last night over a late IM.

We are both fiercely loyal. Claws out, fuck everybody sort of loyal. To those close to us we are protectors, defenders, unwavering support. However our lines vary in their placement. People cross them at different perimeters. Trust is broken earlier or later depending on which one of us you find yourself on the wrong side of.

Unsurprisingly, I'm a bit harsher than she is.

Maybe its been the last year, the surprise and subtle betrayal. Now, I trust more cautiously than I ever have... and I've always been a more than a little hedgy. Landry weighs things. Finds the balance. History, Friendship, Empathy. I see the weight of those things as more of a kick in the chest if trust is broken in the face of that history and friendship.

Which is not to say that I have never betrayed someone... which suggests I should be softer... allow for others to make my same mistakes. And while I never forget people who help me, I never forgive the surprise of being hurt... and the unfortunate bit for me and for most is that the betrayal outweighs the history, hands down. I trust few people in the world, but those that I do I am so careful with, so protective of, that I dare you to try and hurt them with me around.

I suspect Landry is a better person than I am. Or that I'm getting worse at hiding my rough edges.

i want to be in a boy sandwich with these two

2006-10-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

my word...

2006-10-16T23:22:00.000-04:00

did you know they still make hair crimpers and shittily disguised attempts at making money? HIS GHOST IS IN THE SHOW!
talking to his daughter
who perhaps doesn't know he's dead yet.

I'm being cast aside.

2006-10-16T15:26:00.000-04:00

Landry: what time are you meeting jenny?
Gormley: 7
L: i need a drink. meet me before
G: ha. not sure if i can
L: ug. i need new friends. ones that drink. and can meet me for drinks. when i cant go to the gym
G: ha. woman... the rest of the week is yours. dinner tomorrow?
L: I NEED A DRINK TONIGHT!!! i cant worry about tomorrow. you are going to force me to drink alone
G: it was only a matter of time
L: thats no friend. and?!?!?!. holy fuck its only 3. im a wreck.
also and eff J!
with her no beer drinking, teetotalling ass
G: you need a new job, more alcohol, and a vacation
L: and a real friend. im ordering beer from the deli. for lunch
G: nice.
L: im going to tell them to put it in a soup container. so there is no televised intervention at work.

ouch.

2006-10-15T17:33:00.000-04:00

For the second time in three weeks, my hands again look like I kicked someones ass. Not a bad look when you can carry it off.

I can feel every single one of what must be 50 small muscles in each arm.

This morning when I woke up it hurt to hold my coffee mug, but only if I held it in my left hand.

Using a pitch fork, the four of us ripped the shingles off the roof of the new house this weekend until we couldn't stand up or move without whimpering.

To see Melissa smiling like that - I'd do it again tomorrow, if I could make my hands hold a hammer. The weather was perfect, the beer was cold, my father made us laugh like no one on earth can. And it was good to get it done. I'm home, and getting ready for dinner. Silk dress and heels... the contrast of my looks for the day is not unnoticed by me.

reelin in the years...

2006-10-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

this has been a rough one.
In some ways it still is, but i think the universe sees fit to let us settle a bit.
Maybe not quite rest, but at least be able to see past our noses.

Gormley has been vocal about her trials this year.
me?
not so much.
at least not here.

My tumultuous year is also coming to an end.
the turmoil is still whirling but not quite so fast.

I put the old one to sleep this year.

and the big boy would have been 9 years old in september
i still miss him.

my baby sister will be having a baby boy in January

im getting my head around how quickly things change
and then change again.
i'm keeping my promise of not forgetting how lucky i am.
and remembering how easy it is to fuck up.
im not so angry anymore.
and i feel humbled.

Transition.

2006-10-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

With the completion of the divorce extravaganza in Boston recently, I came home feeling like kicking everythings ass. Tied up some work stuff, cleared the decks, made some lists. Eff everything. All felt very productive. The largest of those decisions came from the following self-examination... why wasn't I unpacked (it's been since March)?, why is there still no couch?

I've been procrastinating. Never something that would be listed under my normal traits before this year. And I don't mind saying I was pissed when I realized it. Really pissed. So I'm leaving the apartment. There's the core of the missing couch, the lack of curtains, the absence of dinner parties.

This apartment has always felt temporary to me. I miss parts of my old life still. Granite countertops, matching fucking bathroom tiles, and straight walls. This apartment feels like college, and it feels like I failed somehow and returned to NYC with my tail between my legs. Eff that.

So now the boxes that were sort of unpacked are being repacked. I ignore the screaming children in the schoolyard below and no longer want to plow grenades into the yard while brushing my teeth.

The search begins, planning ensues. There are lists.

hmm, questionable at best.

2006-10-10T22:14:00.000-04:00

Beer and Cheerios for dinner. Always a bad sign. Landry, where are your saucy weekend stories? Also, I think Rothman got wind of me stealing his shitty connection. I need to either get smarter, or get someone to come fix my router in exchange for a gorgeous dinner and my undying affection.

Takers?

people. for fucks sake. part II.

2006-10-09T20:11:00.000-04:00

poor weapon choice...

Surely one of her four other children weighed more.

guccisexual

2006-10-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

John: Je suis SO TIRED
i want to go home and have a nice cozy fall nap under a cashmere throw on the sofa
with some nice socks
with a chai
and tom ford spooning me

me: hahaha
tom ford spooning you!

John: wouldn't that just be heaven?

me: you might be the biggest homo ever

John: please. i ain't talking about babs or wearing snakeskin or feathers
there are far more homo-ish homos out there
i'm just a butch queen with a flair for good fashion and a sensitive side

me: and a fantasy life that includes tom ford.

hmmm, damaged vs. wounded

2006-10-04T21:50:00.000-04:00

Had dinner with the Landry and J. My foundation. Damaged, vs. wounded... still a toss up. One implies permanance. The other implies the possibility of returning to normal with just a scar or two. Scars are cool and all... but I wonder if it's wishful thinking to assume I will come out with just that - or less. I think its deeper. The girls disagree.

Main Entry: damage
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): dam·aged; dam·ag·ing
to cause damage to (don't damage the furniture) (returning soldiers damaged by war)
synonym see INJURE
- dam·age·abil·i·ty /"da-mi-j&-'bi-l&-tE/ noun
- dam·ag·er noun

Main Entry: wound
Function: verb
transitive verb: to cause a wound to or in
intransitive verb: to inflict a wound

still waters run deep...er something

2006-10-03T22:08:00.000-04:00

i've been unusually quiet, i know.
my favorite harasser reminded me that its been a long time.
here and the other one
i am doing some processing of my own.
and fighting off the mosquitos (im sure i have west nile).
when i figure out which end is up i will advise.
thank you for your continued patience.

stingrays, urchins, and summer rolls

2006-10-02T19:33:00.000-04:00

Edits out of a 2 hour ongoing TM with Landry as I waited for dinner (really notsogood takeout) and she watched TV (The search for Noah's Ark on The History Channel) from opposite sides of the river...

AIM IM: 7:25 PM
Gormley: i forget, does two beers count as dinner?

Landry: hahahahahahahahahah

G: i cant remember where they are in the food pyramid

L: WELL OF COURSE its noahs ark - its under the water - sunk - it MUST be - people are so stupid and gullible - and should die

G: i bet the crocodile hunters ghost is hanging out on it - cursing god - AND stingrays

L: hahahahahahahhahah - yes - and his own idiocy

G: and his wifes HS bangs

L: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - we NEED pop up video - please. his kids have better style - Flav is on in 45 min

G: thats because they are 2 yrs old and rich - with khakis

L: hahahahahahahahahahaha - they will die of stingray bites too

G: I miss Flav - but I feel smarter - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - they will die of Jacques Cousteau bites - did you hear him talking trash?

L: no - is he still alive? - i thought he was dead

G: all about how Steve was too aggressive - and that a true naturalist observes nature - and then Jacques said

L: and doesn't try to feed his kids to it

G: "thats why I'm still alive."

L: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - could have fooled me - i had no idea - that he WAS still alive

G: okay please explain - WHO PUTS ROASTED RED PEPPERS IN A FUCKING THAI SUMMER ROLL?

L: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

G: i hate everyone

L: they are still convinced that they have the ark

G: these summer rolls are fucking lettuce and roasted peppers - i could have made them out of the shit in the bottom of my fridge... the WILTED shit

L: if it carried every animal in the world - you would THINK that you wouldnt have to look so hard for it

G: HAHAHAHAHAHA

L: sorry baby - get rid of that menu - this show is killing me - the ark should be the size of spain - and it shouldnt be so hard to find - except - THAT IT DOESNT FUCKING EXIST - oh now they are talking about how big the boat would have to be

G: shhhh, god will hear you

L: HAHAHAHA - they will die of stingray bites too

G: christ - i dont even know what the yellow things in these rolls are - really - HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH - god is just laughing waiting for Flav to come on

L: i NEED ICE CREAM - god damn it

G: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA - yell out the window - one of the urchins will get it - and you can give them a shilling

L: HAHAHAHAHAHA - omg

G: the ark? they found it?

L: no the urchins - all the funnier because i thought - hmm thats a good idea

G: HAHAHAHHAHA

L: i would hope that if they actually found the ark? - they would tell me so i could quick 'find god'

G: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

L: listen. if they find an ark that was big enough to hold 7 million animals? i will start preying - i mean... praying

I refuse to let go.

2006-10-01T21:02:00.000-04:00

The divorce cactus is trying to die again. Only this time it rots from the base up instead of sideways. Like he's really trying. Landry suggested the other night (over our classy dinner of Hamburger Helper and Presidente - note that the only reason we didn't have guacamole as an appetizer was because the avocados were questionable at best...) that perhaps it was only supposed to get me through the divorce. I have my doubts.

He sits - a little yellow - while I begin to make lists again. Planning, moving, upward, forward. Perhaps the familiarity of my lists and cardboard boxes will set him right. And back to green and spiteful.

karmic cheat sheet

2006-09-28T22:08:00.000-04:00

We all need one. This year I need one laminated in my pocket at all times. As Landry, L and I sat at La Linea (The bar whose saving grace is the fact that we can drink half price drinks WHILE sitting at window stools facing AWAY from the skanky patrons INSIDE the fucking bar), I maintained that saving worms allows me to hate small children. The following is my thinking:

1. Saving one worm on a rainy night = killing a screaming child from the playground below my window at 7:30 am halfway. Obviously you want to find two worms.
2. Walking around pigeons on my way to work who are scrounging for old crumbs so as not to interrupt them = wishing those who have betrayed me a run of bad luck.
3. Saying hello to a dog with a crappy owner, PLUS being a true friend to one cat (I'm looking in your direction, Theo) = being manipulative at work to speed up what clever alone cannot do.

You get the idea. I need a laminator. And more worms.

child after my own heart...

2006-09-27T21:21:00.001-04:00

i have, in the recent past written about my best friend since i was a child, Nik.
she emailed me this fancy little nugget from her tribe today. Jack is 6, Regan is 4 (god nik, if i got this wrong, forgive me, i am sometimes unclear about my own age)

Jack: “I want some steak sauce for my chicken.”

Nikki: “It’s in the refrigerator. You can get it.”

Jack: (gets down from table and opens refrigerator door) “I can’t find it.”

Nikki: “Fight that Y chromosome and look for it.”

Jack: “I can’t find it.”

Regan (climbing down from chair): “I’ll find it!”

Jack (incredulously): “She’s moving stuff!”

Regan: “I found it!!!!”

portrait

2006-09-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

i love my family.
in the wake of the disaster that is mostly the rest of my biological family, i love the one i have made for myself (including rayray)

we sat at dinner tonight, celebrating the birthday of one of our own. we talk to each other like sisters. we complain about and to eachother like sisters.
we defend eachother fiercely and debate loudly.
we talk about 'uncle blowjob' and they tease me about my use of the word 'putie'.
i love them madly.
they monitor my bank account.
we size up each others partners and we protect each other from ourselves.

i am so greatful to them for taking care of me when i cant take care of myself
and for them to know that i would do anything for them, is the most i could ask for.

sorry for all the sappiness....

alive.

2006-09-24T15:19:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to write, but then realized that I've been so wound up, and unloading it all here... and anyone reading might feel like they missed the end of the story. Or of the poorly written chapter anyway. Rambling ensues:

Thursday, after a perfectly distracting and comforting slice of my 'normal life', my father and I drove up to Boston. It's important to restate why my father was the perfect choice as opposed to Landry's comforting, and bat-weilding ways... I adore my father, and his perfect balance of snarky comments, 70s rock, and side trips along RT84 to childhood haunts (Hebert's Candy Mansion - which we used to visit on the way to see my grandparents when we were children) was exactly what was needed. It also forced me to stay in my head - which while often the slippery slope to hysteria for some - was creating the cool, relatively calm exterior I needed to get through the weekend. My shell. A little armor.

We arrive and accept the only part of the trip I might have changed if I had actually wanted to waste money on this crappy weekend. We stayed at a slightly shady place, and ate at an even shadier pub down the street. A little depressing, but early on in the evening - upon eyeing the Days Hotel with the REALLY shady Japanese place in the lobby - deciding to ride it out that way. Eff this weekend - OF COURSE its the shady hotel with the questionable food. One interesting thing that reinforced the surreal nature? The hotel is next to a skating rink... and all the snow shavings from the ice were dumped outside near the dumpster... so there was a small mountain of snow which of course begged for snowballs in the parking lot of the hotel.

Dad and I crashed soon after eating, and watched TV from our double beds in a room with way too many fabric/wallpaper patterns to be legal, and I fell asleep wound ridiculously tight. In trying to find something to think about to distract my brain with I wound up exhausting it and crashing soon after the lights went out.

We left in the morning and pretty easily found our way to the courthouse downtown. Breakfast, and I was getting more closed off by the second. All the little doors and boxes. Lids tight. Met A at the courthouse and was struck by feeling like I no longer knew who he was. Looked the same - although it was hard to see him after 10 months. And we made fucking small talk. My father, me, and him. About the trip, the courthouse, coffee, bullshit. And then my father left... knowing that I would have been more apt to lose it knowing he was standing behind me in the courtroom... and he and I were left alone in the court, listening to five minutes of other peoples lives as they were called before we were and stood in front of the judge to answer questions. Lawyers crawling all over... A woman who hadn't had sex with her husband who she never lived with? Annulment. A man looking for full custody of his kids? Awarded. A woman looking to get divorced from a husband she couldn't find? Granted in his absence.

And then the judge called out all three of our names. The last time we'll hear them strung together I think. We used them that way... strung together for our business, our wedding, our return addresses on envelopes... and he held open the little gate for me... which struck me as so fucking strange and faux gallant in the face of getting divorced. And we stood at little desks in front of the judge and he asked us 5 or so questions which we answered in unison... in front of people listening to a little bit of our lives.

And then that was it. Maybe 6 minutes or less. And the judge said "120 days, judgement granted, good luck" (which was his parting words to every couple or non-couple before him.) And then he held the little gate again. And the door... and we were in front of elevators, and overwhelmed, and so violated... and I started to well up. And he saw it, and he genuinely, gallantly, left after we quickly said goodbye and didn't touch... because he knows me well enough still to know that I did not want to cry about this, not in front of him, not amid crowds of people with their own shitty lives. And I didn't cry there.

I went downstairs and took a deep breath of air walking across the street to the cafe my father was in. And I refused all calls. My mom called, my sister called. People TMd and I stopped looking at my phone. My father asked me one small thing... like if I wanted some of his toast, and I started crying. And then all of a sudden, before he had the chance to say more than "Jen..." I stopped. Eff this weekend.

An hour later I changed into jeans and pulled myself together. We went to the Science Museum for the rest of my father's gift of distraction. I have a geode paperweight to remember this weekend by. I saw the largest Vandegraph Generator still in use today. Halfway through and I could finally look at my phone. Walked through a butterfly garden with warm air and the lightest looking most beautiful little things on earth. A few hours later I could finally hear Landry's voice without crying. We got on the road and picked up McDonald's and gas. I called my sister. I talked to my mom.

I went home to my parents and got to unwind a little. I came home to Landry and J having let themselves in over the weekend to leave flowers and food and a beautiful note. And now I'm stepping back into the world after a four day break. Feels like a very long week (including the end of a cold), and its so disconcerting that the world kept spinning while I got off for a few days. Work emails still arrived, mail still piled up... feels like everything should have stopped. But instead I have laundry going in the basement. And I put one foot in front of the other. A little shakily, but forward.

people. listen. for fucks sake.

2006-09-20T20:46:00.000-04:00

You can't call it an 'attack' if the drunk tourist jumped over the zoo's enclosure fence to 'hug' the 'startled' panda. It's SELF DEFENSE.

"No one ever said they would bite people. I just wanted to touch it." - Zhang Xinyan

Zhang, I would have fucking bitten you and you're not even near my cage.

big greenishblue pills.

2006-09-19T20:27:00.000-04:00

Landry just left, having chivalrously joined me for take-out in my days of need. I just tossed back two hugeass Nyquils which she implied will either kick this colds ass or kill me. So far, I'm holding my own.

I've just narrowly avoided a nervous breakdown, mostly because my mother wasn't home to field my call - her voice upends me anytime I'm stressed out. I started crying on the phone with his uncle but he couldn't tell because I have a cold. A sniffle is a sniffle... my voice cracking a sore throat. I've gotten letters and phone calls from his friends and fucking family with an outpouring of support, and encouragement, and wishes of strength because they all know how hard this week is. And how strange it is. And while it made me feel supported, it made me feel like a fool all over again... and I'm not sure why.

I was around the corner Sunday night for the first time since December from a restaurant we loved in Boston. A restaurant we flirted in, we planned our house in, and that we decided he should move out in. And I felt nothing.

Except shut off...

Which we all know is never safe for more than a little while, and which is really fucking scary because I can't figure out if I'm in control of it and it'll all be fine until I have the wherewithall to process it, or if I'm being lulled into a false sense of security. Deluge imminent sort of thing. And I'm hoping its control.

I heard his voice for the first time since early this year, and I stayed shut off. I stayed shut off when i knew in the background at the storage place he happened to be standing, that his parents were giving him furniture for his apartment that I saw once, furniture to continue his new life... and I was struck by how fucking strange it was to have this alternate universe, where we don't go home to the same place.