prepare for the worst...

its my M.O.
i always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
But what happens when you actually needed to prepare for the 'best'?

last summer i sent a letter

i received the return reply today.
I was NOT prepared for it.
i almost felt angry
because i wasnt prepared
because he was never actually 'supposed' to write back
I was never supposed to have to think about what was next
i never expected to have to figure out what to do with the ball that was now in my court.

I was surprised to see his handwriting.
it made me feel something in the family of giddy.
that went away pretty quickly.

i told everyone i knew
then i called alex.
if anyone could give me anything that i could hold
it was going to be her.

"you don't have to do anything"
thats all she had to say.
"the nice thing about this is that you dont owe each other anything at this point"

it would be nice to have this person who knows my history back.
but i dont even know what i would say?
i have had dozens of dreams where we run into eachother and everything is fine
and we stand right where we met up
and talk for hours
and its like nothing has passed between us
and i tell him about my genius neice
and i tell him about my wonderful life
and i tell him what happened with moufa
but i also tell him about B

however, neither of us is ready for all that
but i dont know what we actually ARE ready for.
so until i know
im keeping it to myself.