looking under things...

I've been feeling disatisfied lately... which in and of itself is not out of character. But it is important to note that I haven't felt that way in a long time. And now I feel the ragged edges of it creeping back... and am consoled by it.

This last year has been 'head down plow through it'... muffle the ambition, the fear, the anger and fall through things.... see where you get to when it's safe to breathe. And so here I am. Breathing. Shallow breaths. I find myself with a challenging perfect job that I can dive into and be excited to go to work every day for. One that inspires me to excel. And everything else you ask after the year of plowing through? Disarray. Shambles. Cardboard boxes.

So now that old familiar feeling of disatisfaction - which I have always used as a powerful tool to propel forward and enjoy successes is creeping back in. Brain had enough time to untangle a bit, I suppose. And so know I'm left trying to figure out what to do with the ambition, and drive to move forward with my head up. Pick the direction. Grab the machete, clear the path myself.

And I am left looking for comfort in friends and family and finding it. And left looking for comfort in old loves and a current playmate and knowing that it isn't enough for good. But it's enough for now and reinforces those friendships. But anything more than what they are is impossible and terrifying still. So I'm in limbo a bit I suppose. Antsy to move forward for the first time in a year. But not ready to take a definitive step... or maybe a more clear explanation is that I don't remember how to do it like I fucking mean it.

More time I suppose.