I have been inundated in the subway stations with a gauntlet of religious fervor and everyone shoving pamphlets at me.

All I want to do is go to my capitalist job.
Make my stupid widgets.
Make fun of ugly babies and go to happy hour.
I gave my $6 to Christ,
leave me alone, especially before coffee.

Then I have these moments of something approximating nervousness because these pamphlet pushers seem to be growing exponentially.
Maybe they know something I don't.
Maybe god slipped them a note.
Their deadline for saving everyone is coming fast and if they don't get their noses to the grindstone they are fired.
So the slackers and underachievers and procrastinators of Gods Army are stepping up to the plate.

I have my own chats with the 'big one'.
Mostly it doesn't consist of talking to some omnipotent being that I can't see but must be there.
It’s me checking in with my conscience.
Which, secretly, is what I think god is
but most people are not smart enough to think that abstractly.
So they create an angry (or somewhat benevolent) man with a white beard and a long flowing robe that they can make pamphlets about.
Pamphlets that end up on the train tracks no doubt causing fires
which in turn makes people late and very very angry.
That's not very god like.
My 'god' (ie my common sense and conscience) have advised me that we are, in fact, all going to die soon.
But that isnt because we are not 'pious' as most people understand it.
it because we are stupid.
and dont adapt and change to fit our circumstances
and we think that we are smarter than nature (the other part of the mysterious 'god')
we could all stop lying and cheating and fornicating tomorrow (or in my case a few months ago) and we would still die.
Because we are so amazingly stupid that we think that we can beat the crap out of each other
and the earth
and that miraculously,
if we pretend to be holy,
God will save us.

If I were god i would have killed everyone already.

For just about destroying my big, gorgeous plaything that I lent to you.
Even as amazingly tolerant of your idiocy as it is, you wrecked it.
I'd be really pissed too.
And more so because you are too ignorant to even realize that all your disgusting brown nosing and pamphlet pushing isnt going to fix the problem.

Hell in a hand basket is obsolete
hand baskets being outdated and not luxurious enough,
we are going to hell with a Louie Vuitton bag and in the comfort of a hummer.