race car driver

i feel like im getting the 'gotta go's" with blogging again.
like im trying to run away from something.
it might just be relief from the exhaustion that i have been feeling for close to a year now.
my brain is allowing itself a vacation.

they say that when you have a near death experience, you see your
'life flash before your eyes'
and i read somewhere, a theory that says that its your brain trying to solve a problem.
opening up all of what it considers relevant file drawers of similar experiences to find a way out of the predicament that death is proposing.

thats how i have felt this whole year.

racing around the problem trying to find the correct angle from which to look at it.
the angle changed from day to day as new facets were added or removed.
what was a flat plane with no texture suddenly became mountainous. Leaving me sometimes spinning to catch up.

re-look at this.
does it look the same today as it did yesterday?
what, if anything has changed?
where do i stand in this picture?
am i standing in the frame at all?
what makes sense/ what doesnt?
what info do i NOT have?

my head was full at all times.
the train, in bed, walking the dog, out with friends.
it didnt stop processing information for one second
like a super computer

i even had to stop reading the news for awhile.
the days when my head was occupied with finding a way out
there was no room for it.
news and people inspire a great deal of rage in me
i didnt have any vacancy
and no energy for anger
so my news intake was inversely proportionate to the amount of clicking and whirring that was going on upstairs

so now the clicking has stopped for a bit
the whirring?
eh...
maybe not.

it seems to me that Gormley's been doing a fine fine job of carrying my ass here.